


Crybabies

by mamavampyr



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: (somewhat pining at least), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Crying, Eventual Romance, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Slow Burn, basically they just dont fall apart as bad, mild violence in the nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-03
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:53:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25683109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamavampyr/pseuds/mamavampyr
Summary: Its hard to hold it together when the world around both of you is caving in.
Relationships: Jay Merrick/Timothy "Tim" Wright
Comments: 22
Kudos: 68





	1. harbinger of trouble

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically my first multi-chapter fic and i'll try to make sure i wrap it up soon but i've been working on it for months!

Jay Merrick used to pride himself for never crying over the little things in life. From a young age he never cried over much at all and if he did it was never in the presence of someone else. That being said it could also be inferred that Jay was also good at keeping himself together when times were stressful. If this was any kind of normal stress like college work maybe he could have. But unfortunately, Jay’s life was anything but normal anymore. 

Every morning Jay would wake up, frantically checking his surroundings to make sure that he knew where he was and that he could  _ remember _ how he got there. It was always a routine filled with panic and anxiety. That meant every morning when Jay had finally gathered his bearings he’d find himself sitting on another bed that he couldn’t call his own and bury his face in his hands and fight back tears. It was a never ending cycle that would result in Jay wiping his eyes and shaking it off like he always did and trudging through another day of recording and amateur investigating. While he’d managed to maintain some semblance of his composure over the past few months, Jay was prone to faltering at any given day. Meals were infrequent (when he even felt like eating) and sleep was fitful at best during the rare times he was able to get more than four or five hours. 

Jay was worn. Physically and mentally taxed to the fullest. When he discovered that Tim was living somewhat discretely and almost normal life again a selfish part of his brain envied his old college friend. There was Tim, seemingly coping just fine and here was Jay falling apart at the seams, unsure if he would make it to the next day. Despite his jealousy though, Jay didn’t intend to drag Tim back into the rabbit hole that was his and Alex’s mess. Not like this. He thought circling around the truth and keeping Tim at arm’s length would hopefully help him move on faster. Of course nothing ever goes according to plan for Jay fucking Merrick though because Tim finds out. It's not like Jay did a very good job of hiding what Marble Hornets really was anyway but that still didn’t mean he expected Tim to dig as much as he did. 

It culminates with Tim punching Jay square in the jaw, screaming at him about all the lies and how all the puzzle pieces finally fit into place for all his missing chunks of memory. Jay took the brunt of it, most of his arguments dying before they could even crawl out of his throat. When Tim’s car door slams and he speeds away Jay can only skulk back into his own meager vehicle and look at his camera as if he expects it to comfort him. He knows it can’t. It's turned off before he even gets in. 

Jay sits in his car now, cheek throbbing still from where Tim clocked him solid. He’s long since driven off and Jay can’t bring himself to really do much else besides stare blankly ahead into the darkness of the parking lot. It's not like he has much to go back to anyways, just another worn out hotel room. 

That’s when it really hits Jay for the first time in almost a year. He doesn’t have anywhere to go, no one to turn to. His only lead and only human interaction for the first time in months just left him to fend for himself all over again and he has no one to blame but himself. Jay is utterly alone. If he went missing tomorrow no one would notice, his YouTube channel would be written off in a few weeks and it would all be for nothing. His chest feels tight suddenly and he can’t breathe. Jay clutches the front of his shirt and gasps, barely getting in enough oxygen before he’s gasping again for more. His other hand is gripping the steering wheel for purchase, for anything to keep him grounded while the world crumbles around him. In just a few moments Jay is hyperventilating, fat tears trickling down his cheeks and onto his lap as he doubles over and struggles to breathe. A few minutes pass and Jay’s vision is blurred before he’s finally able to inhale properly, only exhale a full fledged sob after. 

Jay cries, he cries hard. Sobs rattle his thin frame as he clutches his head and just wails within the walls of his car. He knows he’s at risk here, exposed and weak. But he can’t stop while the floodgates have opened. It all hurts too much for him. He’s crippled by fear and anxiety and loneliness. How had he managed this long? How did he let it get this bad? He can’t even answer his own questions as he cries like a lost child in the empty parking lot. For all intents and purposes, that’s all Jay really is right now. A lost child with no more than a thin paper trail for guidance. The realization just makes him sob harder and harder until he nearly gags. 

This goes on until Jay’s eyes are raw and he’s sure there’s no more tears left for him to cry. He’s not sure how much time has passed since Tim drove off, his phone is on its last legs of power and the camera sits idly in the passenger seat. In a fit of impulse, Jay grabs his phone and hastily scrolls through his numbers. He can barely see, squinting at the digits and names that look far too small right now, but it still doesn’t take him long to find Tim’s number. He doesn’t have a lot of contacts left remaining to sift through anyhow. His fingers fly across the touch screen before he really has time to consider what he’s about to do.

[Tim.]

Send.

[Tim. I’m sorry.]

Send.

[I’m so sorry.]

Send.

Jay waits. He waits to see if there’s a chance that Tim will say something, maybe call even him back. He could scream at Jay for all he cared, he just needed assurance that he wasn’t going to be alone. Anything. Fifteen minutes pass and Jay deflates further into the driver’s seat of his car. Tim has no reason to respond. He owes Jay nothing. Jay knows this but it doesn’t make the hollowness in his chest any easier to cope with. With a resigned sigh, Jay puts his keys in the ignition of his car and decides to head back to his hotel room. There was no use waiting for something else to happen. That would be a miracle. Miracles just don’t happen to Jay Merrick, do they? 

When Jay gets back to his hotel room his body feels like lead. His eyes burned with exhaustion and are still red and puffy from his previous meltdown. He lazily plugs his phone in to charge and makes sure his camera is recording again before he sets off to take a halfhearted shower. He comes back a few minutes later and lays back on the tacky mattress, staring up at the ceiling and wet hair soaking his pillow. His thoughts wander to Tim as he lays there. He thinks about what Tim said to him, he thinks about how Tim’s voice would crack and break with coughs. He thinks about how Tim’s eyes glazed over with tears and how he could see the man barely holding it together, even in the poor lighting. It makes his chest tighten in guilt. He made Tim feel like that. He made Tim relapse. It worsens when Tim’s words begin to echo in Jay’s head, knocking the wind out of him for the second time that night.

_ “Maybe Alex isn’t even the problem, maybe  _ **_you’re_ ** _ the problem!” _

Jay gasps and curls up on his side, throwing a hand over his mouth to stifle an oncoming sob. Tim was right. If Jay had just kept his mouth shut three years ago, left Alex alone and let him leave, maybe they would all be okay. He should have burned the damn tapes himself if he was so inclined. Jay heaved another sob, curling further into himself and hiding under the scratchy comforter as if it would block out everything around him. He hid, hid and sobbed as much as his body would let him because he was already so worn and frail. He should have left Tim alone, it would have all hurt so much less if he’d just kept to himself. Anything would have just been better than crying himself to sleep under shitty blankets in a place that could never be home. 

Sometime later, when Jay is curled up under and deep in slumber, his phone vibrates with a new message. He doesn’t stir. 


	2. unknowing pawn

Tim Wright had a plethora of issues hidden under his skin. He never opened up to anyone about the things that scraped at the corners of his mind when he’d sleep or the deep paranoia he thought he’d escaped when he graduated high school. Rather than burden anyone else, he opted to hide these things as he got older and use his own methods to cope. He masked it with cigarettes and a calm collected facade that made any ordinary stranger walking by think nothing noteworthy of him when they’d brush past him in the hallways of his old college. The only person who ever saw passed Tim’s shell and could really open him up was Brian Thomas. And somehow Tim loved him for it.

The two were the best of friends in college. Despite being polar opposites, somehow there could never be one without the other. Brian took Tim as he was and never saw him as any less. And Tim never judged Brian for any of his shortcomings. Sometimes when Tim would sit alone on his front porch he would wonder where Brian had moved off to. He would think fondly of his old friend and wonder why they’d drifted so suddenly. That’s when his life really had taken a nosedive, when Brian left. Recovery wasn’t easy. The broken leg, loss of memory and loss of his friend made it all the harder but somehow Tim managed. Hell, for a while Tim had convinced himself that everything was fine. 

Everything was fine actually until Jay Merrick came tumbling into his life, all gangling limbs and awkward stutter. Tim didn’t understand why he was okay helping his former classmate out really. They weren’t supposed to be this involved with some stupid project that was honestly going nowhere. Brian wasn’t around, Tim was rusty at best with delivering any lines. But Jay insisted and well, Tim wasn’t doing anything besides working. It was nice to see another familiar face for once he supposed. It was better than droning about, even if Jay was strange. He was nice, it was nice. It was nice until Jay insisted on about going to that fucking hospital. Between Jay acting even more strange than usual and the man running about in a hoodie, Tim was absolutely put off and opted to back out all together, leaving Jay to find his own way back. That’s when Tim really looked into whatever the hell Marble Hornets really was that afternoon when he got home. If Jay wasn’t going to tell him well he’d just have to look it up himself. 

Oh, what a rude awakening he was in for. When Tim caught up on the last of the entries that Jay had uploaded he was seething. He managed to keep himself composed when he dialed Jay’s number and asked to meet him later that night. Transferring said composure to the meeting however, didn’t go over. Tim’s fist made contact with Jay’s jaw within seconds of him exiting the car. Jay’s camera hits the ground and Tim can barely remember the flurry of words that spill from his lips after the second punch that he manages to land across Jay’s already bruising face.

He’s not a psychopath. That’s what he screams at Jay before telling him that he wants nothing to do with him ever again. With that he pushes Jay away and gets into his car, speeding off with one last glance at Jay who is holding his camera in one hand, having picked it up while Tim had gotten into his car, and holding the other over his reddened cheek. Tim doesn’t look back after that. Jay doesn’t deserve it, not after three years of secrets. There’s so much he could have told Tim, so much information to fill in all the blank spaces in his memory that Jay kept from him. Those memories weren’t even his to keep. Tim had every right to be in the loop and Jay kept him in the dark knowingly. Tim tells himself he hates Jay for it and for the time being, he believes it. 

It took everything in Timothy not to break his own door when he arrived home. He was beyond angry, outright betrayed. Jay lied to his face like he was an idiot. Made him feel like a stupid pawn in his and Alex’s game of fucked up chess. Tim sucked in a breath and held it for a moment, body quaking with anger as it all really began to sink in. He’d screamed at Jay, punched him square in the jaw twice. Those were well deserved but something weighed heavy in the pit of his stomach as he stood in the middle of his dimly lit living room. It was loneliness. 

Tim had spent at least a year on his own, probably longer without a friend like Brian. Jay was his first  _ almost  _ friend in ages and this was his consequence for trusting him. Tim’s chest clenches painfully and he bites his lip, fists balled at his sides. He’s lost in his anger fueled thoughts when his phone buzzes in his pocket. It buzzes consecutively enough for him to think it's a call at first. Tim is about ready to decline it, thinking it's Jay. While he was right about it being Jay contacting him however, it's not a phone call. It was three separate messages that came through one after another. He’s surprised to see the texts light up his screen when he pulls his phone from his pocket, even more so when he reads them. 

[ I’m so sorry.]

The last one reads an apology that Tim wasn’t expecting. In truth he wasn’t sure what to expect from Jay. He did deck the guy in the face after all, did say some colorful things to him. Sorry wasn’t going to fix any of this though. Sorry wasn’t going to make Tim feel any less stupid or any better about Jay lying to his face. There’s so many things Tim could respond with. There’s a lot of things he could say in anger, hell he keeps the phrase ‘I hate you’ drafted for the better part of an hour as he paces back and forth in his living room as he tries to pull himself together. It doesn’t quite work because before he knows it he’s furiously wiping tears away from his cheeks and stifling pitiful sobs. 

He doesn’t remember when he hits the send button. In fact, he doesn’t remember the rest of the night. It's all a blur after he seizes in his room, panicking when he can’t find his medication followed by a coughing fit that results in him collapsing. 

The next thing Tim is greeted with is a face full of grass and dirt. He can hear Jay saying something distantly behind him as he pushes himself off the ground slowly. It looks like he lost control sometime in the night. The mask is on the ground next to him, only proving his suspicion. Tim grunts and shoves away Jay’s hand as it grabs his shoulder in a meager attempt to help him up. He didn’t want Jay’s help, it's his fault Tim is out here anyway. Jay’s camera dies soon after they even bring it up to see what happened and by the time they reach Jay’s car Tim is already declining any additional help that Jay is offering and stomping off in the direction of his house.


	3. so it begins

Their partnership was begrudging at best, more so on Tim’s side despite the fact that he insisted on it . After their encounter in the forest it dawned on Tim that no matter how livid he was with Jay for dragging him back into this mess, it looked like he was Tim’s only other reliable source of help against whatever the hell this operator thing was. They hardly really spoke to each other more than they needed to, especially since their other incident at the hospital visit that Tim insisted on initially. He’d said more than he needed to then. Tim was less inclined to begin conversation from then on. Despite the awkward silences though they made it work, even if Tim was frowning more often than not. It kept them out of Alex’s clutches and it kept Jay from losing his mind to solitude. Jay doesn’t mind how their impromptu partnership works at first but every passing day makes him feel a bit more heavy.

The night of their falling out, Jay’s phone received a message in response to the apologies he’d sent to Tim before. He never did get to see it until after the incident with the mask in the forest. When he did finally open it though he felt like Tim punched him all over again. 

[ I hate you. ]

It was time stamped a few hours after Jay had sent his initial messages to Tim, most likely after he’d fallen asleep. It still hurt all the same though. It's a constant reminder of his mistakes. He can see it in the side glances when Tim thinks he isn’t looking. The disdain in his features is clear and Jay only has himself to blame. Tim wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for him. They wouldn’t have ended up in rosswood that night and woke up bruised and disheveled the next morning in the middle of some unfamiliar part of the forest. It's an unfortunate regret that Jay has to live with now. 

They hotel hop frequently now. Staying in one place for too long isn’t safe with the risk of being followed growing every day. Two bedrooms is out of the question for their limited budget so they stay in a two bed suite almost always unless they really have to stay in their cars. For now they’re holed up in a Four Seasons, it's late and they have the door blocked with an extra chair for good measure. Tim is resting on his bed with the TV droning on for white noise while Jay edits their most recent footage for another entry. 

Most of the footage they’d gotten in the past few days was rather uneventful. Few things came of it but it was enough for Jay to comb through for now. Tim hadn’t said anything to him since they’d gotten back and picked at their cheap dinner, though and the silence was beginning to make Jay anxious. It was getting later by the moment too and that meant he would have to sleep soon which meant more uncomfortable dreams and fitful slumber at best. He signed heavily and closed his laptop, sparing a quick glance at Tim who seemed to be in deep thought. Jay gnawed at his bottom lip. They rarely spoke much despite how badly Jay wanted to seek comfort in Tim. When they did talk, Tim was curt and to the point. But yet.. He wanted to make sure Tim was okay at least. He owed the man that much 

“Hey uh… You feeling alright over there?” Jay’s voice was quiet, a little croaky even from disuse. 

Tim snapped out of his train of thought it seemed though and he blinked once to focus. 

“Yeah.” Was his quick reply. His expression remains neutral and he doesn’t even look at Jay.

Jay nodded and took the hint. Tim said nothing else after and soon enough they were both tucked into their respective beds in the dark. Tim is asleep long before Jay, his breath deep and evened out as he slumbered on. Jay’s eyes are heavy and burn with exhaustion but sleep eludes him for what feels like hours. His gaze shifts over to Tim for a moment and he finds himself watching the man’s chest rise and fall for some time. For some reason its this that soothes Jay enough for him to feel his eyelids grow heavy and soon enough he drifts off. 

____________________________________________________________________________________

_ Static, buzzing, the sound of nails against glass. All of it swamps Jay’s senses suddenly. His eyes shoot open and suddenly he finds himself laying in the middle of a forest clearing. It doesn’t look right, though. Everything looks grainy, as if it's being distorted by poor camera quality. Even the colors of the world are off. He tries to stand frantically but he finds that his limbs are held firmly against the ground by roots that have seemingly developed sentience and have twined themselves around him and continue to slither further up his body. There’s a figure looming in the distance that he can’t quite make out in his panic as he thrashes against the coiling vines. They begin to overtake his torso and crawl up his neck, forcing themselves down his throat. All he can do is scream, tears streaming from the corners of his eyes as he’s all but consumed by whatever inhabits the forest of rosswood park.  _

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Tim wakes up with a gasp to Jay screaming. Its damn near blood curdling with its intensity. His head whips over to Jay’s writhing form, still screaming as if he’s being sliced open. Without second thought, Tim scrambles over and grabs Jay by the shoulders and begins to shake him relentlessly. 

“Jay! Jay, wake up! Wake up, man! It's just a nightmare, wake up!” Tim panics as he shakes the other because Jay’s screams are mixed with sobs, tears rolling down his cheeks despite his eyes being squeezed shut. 

“Jay!” Tim’s not sure if it's because he yelled or if it was because he gave Jay a particularly good shake that time but finally Jay’s eyes fly open and his screaming halts immediately. His eyes are wild and searching the room for any threat before settling back on Tim and letting reality sink in. Tim moves back now and lets Jay sit up slowly. He’s trembling, eyes wide with panic. Tim doesn’t know what to do with himself at this point. He’d never heard Jay scream like that before, not for a nightmare at least. But the terror is vivid on the man’s face. Jay blinks a few times, swallows thickly and then looks back down at the blankets that are now pooled at his waist. Before Tim can ask if he’s okay, Jay hastily apologizes about waking him up and wipes his eyes quickly. 

“You should go back to sleep. Didn’t mean to wake you.” Jay sighs, still not making any further eye contact with Tim. 

“Are uh… are you sure? Do you want some water or something?” Tim doesn’t know why he bothers asking. He shouldn’t be hovering over Jay after everything that’s happened but that look on his face made something in his chest ache. 

“No. Go back to bed, Tim. Please.” Jay’s voice faltered as he lay back down and pulled the comforter back over himself. He didn’t give any chance for Tim to really give a rebuttal on the issue so Tim awkwardly stood up and went back to his own bed. When Tim settled back in, he made mental note of the soft sobs coming from Jay’s half of the room. 

Jay curls up tightly in the covers, hand over his mouth to muffle sobs he knows Tim can probably hear regardless. He could ask for Tim’s comfort if he really wanted to. Ask to be held or just told its going to be okay. But he doesn’t deserve that from Tim. Not when he knows Tim hates him. He stifles his anguish until he falls asleep, unaware that Tim is awake and listening to him. Tim doesn’t fall asleep until he’s sure Jay has. 


	4. we carry the burden

They don’t talk about it the next morning. It's not by Tim’s choice for once but Jay’s. He insists he’s fine, declining Tim’s inquiries and offers of help. It leaves Tim perplexed for the most part but he doesn’t argue about it. This was just the first time. There are several nights where Jay wakes up screaming in terror that always catch Tim off guard. Many times has he almost fallen out of bed. One time he actually did. Each time Jay is left a sobbing mess that denies any consolation by Tim who grows increasingly more worried for reasons he can’t understand. They never talk about the nightmares because Jay insists that they shouldn’t. Tim has his fair share of nightmares but they’re never as bad as whatever the hell is waking up Jay in the dead of night. 

During the day, Jay becomes rather distant. The bags under his eyes are becoming more pronounced and he hardly says anything unless it's about where they’re going to film. Other than that he’s got himself occupied with editing entries or deciphering codes. Tim tries to help where he can and sometimes he’ll get a curt nod or a few words out of Jay but it isn’t much to really work with. It riles him up to say the least because Jay was the one who went out of his way to find him in the first place and now he’s treating him like a goddamn ghost. 

Tim boils over the night after Jay has another nightmare and refuses to open up about it. He would have carried on like normal but he was sick and tired of this routine of being sidelined or left in the dark. 

“Jay… Why don’t you just talk to me?” Tim wants to sound angry, he really does, but he just sounds hurt. Jay is clearly taken aback by the question, attention taken away from his laptop for the time being. “You keep saying you’re okay but you look awful. How long can you keep at this, Jay? I’m here, you can tell me. We’re in this together, like it or not so might as well make the most of it, right?” Jay shakes his head after a few moments, still not saying anything and brushing off the topic. Tim’s had enough of it. 

“Look! I’m stuck in this mess because of you! I’m sick and tired of waking up to the same bullshit of you screaming and crying in the middle of the night! You’re not the only one losing sleep over this, Merrick.” Tim was frustrated, he didn’t mean it. He didn’t mean to make Jay look at him like that with those impossible doe eyes and that heartbroken expression that was quickly averted away from him to try and save face. But the damage was done and Tim couldn’t take it back. Jay let out a shaky breath before responding, still not facing Tim to do so. 

“I’m sorry, I was trying not to bother you but I guess I just made it worse.” That knocked Tim off his high horse and then some, “If you want, I’ll start getting two rooms. Or I could sleep in the car. They’re just really bad nightmares about Rosswood.” Jay returns his full attention to his laptop, trying to cut the conversation then and there. All of Tim’s anger has dissipated and is replaced with guilt that sits heavy in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t know what was worse, hurting Jay or Jay thinking he was a burden to begin with. 

“I… Jay, look you’re not… you don’t bother me I just…-” To his surprise, Tim was suddenly cut off by Jay. 

“You don’t have to pretend, Tim. I know you can’t stand me. You already made that clear enough, okay? So stop. I don’t ask for your help for a reason.” There’s a finality in Jay’s voice that makes Tim’s chest feel tight with further anxiety. “Just leave me alone, Tim. Can you do that? If it's not about the investigation then just don’t worry about it.” Not once does Jay look at him and that hurts more than it should. He didn’t think Jay would ever say something like that to him. 

Tim feels that tightness from his chest travel to his throat and suddenly he feels his eyes begin to sting lightly. It's like he can’t breathe for a moment and when he can, the gasp he takes in is shaky at best. How can Jay say that when he’s the one who pushed for this investigation? Then again Tim had pushed for their overall partnership but it was for the better. It was supposed to be safer this way. It was supposed to be less lonely this way. So why did Tim feel like he’d be thoroughly cut from Jay all together when he was just a few feet away from him? Maybe that’s how Jay felt when Tim drove away that night after their initial falling out. Now it was Tim that had never felt so alone like he did now. 

“Fine. Fuck you.” Tim’s voice cracked against his will and he stood, grabbing his pack of cigarettes and his lighter before heading out the door before Jay could object. Tim slams the door behind him for good measure. 

It's dark outside when he trudges over to the parking lot and next to his car, as far as he could be from Jay. He can barely see enough under the dim streetlight to make sure he’s able to properly light his first cigarette between trembling fingers. He doesn’t bother fighting back anymore tears as they fall and he exhales a pathetically small plume of smoke from his first drag. He shouldn’t have yelled, he shouldn’t have said anything. He wouldn’t be hurting so bad if he’d just kept his mouth shut. Tim shakes his head and coughs before taking another long drag of his cigarette. It didn’t make sense to him why it bothered him so much. He should have said fuck it and went to bed, but here he is standing by his car crying like a kid because his only friend (they weren’t even fucking friends) just made him feel useless. 

Tim wiped his eyes and threw the butt of his now finished cigarette on the ground and crushed it under his shoe before promptly lighting another one. He was going to be here for a while. 


	5. just fucking talk

Jay wasn’t expecting Tim’s outburst, his storming out was even less expected. Jay could only watch as Tim walked out the door and slammed it behind him after cursing him. He figured that would be that. Tim would smoke it off and they’d go back to normal. But Jay’s shaking hands said otherwise. The look on Tim’s face when he told Jay off in his wavering voice was nothing short of pitiful. Jay had never seen Tim look at him like that before and it made his stomach feel sick. So Jay closed his laptop and sat on the edge of his bed and waited patiently for Tim to come back so they could actually talk this out like adults. 

Well, he waited. And Jay waited. He shifted nervously. It’d been at least forty five minutes and Tim still wasn’t back yet. Jay began to worry now, more than before. Tim’s belongings were still in the room along with his keys so he couldn’t have left. At least not by car anyway. Jay pondered for a few more minutes before he couldn’t take it anymore and he pulled his jacket back on, grabbing Tim’s too as he walked out the door. To his relief Tim wasn’t too far from their shared room, only standing by his car in the parking lot adjacent to the motel. Jay suddenly felt nervous, clutching Tim’s jacket in both of his hands as he looked on. He didn’t know what to really say right now, he just knew he owed Tim a proper apology.

The night time breeze made Jay shiver. How did Tim just walk out here with nothing but his cigarettes? Jay must have really set him off for him to forget everything else. Jay’s eyes adjusted slowly to the dark as he made his way to Tim, who was now leaning against his car but facing away from the direction that Jay was approaching from. He was sure Tim had to hear him, his footsteps weren’t exactly quiet and Jay was never known for his prowess. Tim didn’t move though. He stood still against the car, arms crossed tight over his chest with an unlit cigarette hanging from his fingers as if he was pondering whether or not he was going to smoke that one too. The closer Jay got the more he was able to see how Tim’s shoulders were quivering in the cold. It only made Jay feel worse for driving Tim away in the first place when he was only trying to be considerate. 

“H-hey…” Jay greeted awkwardly, “It's getting cold. You should come back inside.” He’s only given silence in response. Tim remains still, gaze remaining fixed on whatever is in front of him. Jay shuffles awkwardly. He doesn’t know how to fix this. Words were never his strong suit. Writing for school was one thing but talking, comforting,  _ confronting _ ? These things were beyond Jay. But, rather than let the silence drag on longer than it needed to, Jay sighed and reached forward with Tim’s jacket and draped it over the man’s shoulders. The action made Tim flinch but that didn’t stop Jay from trying to at least try and warm him up. 

Tim shys away from Jay, almost like he’s shrinking into himself. It makes Jay’s heart lurch. 

“Go inside, Jay.” Tim finally croaks out and god, his voice is wrecked and Jay just can’t take it. He didn’t read between the lines. It wasn’t just that he made Tim angry, he hurt Tim. He disregarded him. It makes Jay feel absolutely horrid. The guilt burns in the pit of his stomach. 

“Not without you.” Jay puts a hesitant hand on Tim’s shoulder and squeezes lightly to assure his point. Tim all but tears himself out of Jay’s grasp, taking a few steps away from him and the car to put distance between them.. 

“T-Tim… Tim, I-” Tim finally turns around and in the poor light of the parking lot Jay finally sees it. He can see the anguish in Tim’s eyes, he sees the faint redness under the rims, sees Tim’s fists clenched by his sides. The jacket Jay so delicately put over Tim’s shoulders is already beginning to slip off. Jay wants nothing more than to wrap it around him properly and pull him into his arms. But he doesn’t, he’s frozen in place. 

“What, Jay? You what? Do you want me around or not because one minute you won’t even fucking look at me and the next you’re trying to coddle me. So what is it, huh?! You think you can just keep pushing me away like that, then come and act like you care?” Tim throws his hands up, his jacket finally falling to the ground. He wipes at his eyes furiously to catch oncoming tears but fails miserably to stop them all. “Fuck you… You don- You don’t get to do that… You don’t get to come back into my life then treat me like I don’t matter after shit hits the fan!” Tim chokes, shoulders sagging as his anger deflates and is replaced with utter disdain. 

Jay is left speechless, jaw hanging open as Tim’s words really sink in. This whole time he thought he was doing right by both of them by keeping each other at arm’s length. He figured it would be better this way. Don’t get attached, he already fucked that up once so there wasn’t any chance of going back. But here was Tim, pouring out how he felt about how Jay had all but alienated him when all they really had was each other. Jay had never seen Tim cry either, not with big tears pouring out of the corners of his eyes and barely contained sobs. It broke his heart. Tim doesn’t say anything else after. The silence is heavy and tense between him and Jay, only broken every so often by Tim’s stifled hiccups. 

Jay thinks for a few moments. His mind is screaming at him to say something but the lump that formed in his throat prevents him from pouring out the numerous apologies that can’t even begin to fix the damage he’d caused. Instead, Jay impulsively rushes forward and reaches for Tim, throwing his arms around him and pulling him into a tight embrace. Tim is rigid at first and rightfully so. Jay did just throw him for a loop by suddenly leaping at him for a hug. However, much to Jay’s surprise, Tim practically sinks into his arms and lets himself be held for once. His face is buried in Jay’s shoulder, hands gripping tightly at his jacket. 

“Tim… Tim I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” Jay clutched Tim firmly in his arms, “I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean any of it, okay? I care. I care so much that it scares me. I’m scared to get close to you. All this time I just thought you hated me because of everything I did, you have every right to.” Tim heaved in a breath and only buried himself further into Jay’s arms as much as possible, as if he was going to let him go. Jay continued. 

“I was scared, my nightmares got worse and worse and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t realize it made it worse on you too. You… you were right. We’re in this together. I can’t say it enough but I’m  _ sorry. _ ” Jay’s resolve crumbled as a few of his own tears fell onto Tim’s shoulder. Tim didn’t say anything for a long time, only shuddered and hiccuped as he tried to gather his bearings. Jay held him through it all. They stayed like that for an even longer while, just holding each other in the cold. 

Tim pulls away first. He looks up at Jay and swallows thickly. He still hasn’t said anything but Jay doesn’t stop him from completely separating from their embrace to pick up his fallen jacket. After, he wordlessly motions for Jay to follow him back to the motel room. Jay nods and they walk back in silence. 

The ongoing silence that precedes them in the room is tense, Tim hasn’t commented on anything Jay has said. He merely went to the bathroom to wash his face leaving Jay to sit quietly again on his bed. This leaves Jay alone with his thoughts. His eyes wander about the room as he ponders what else he could possibly say to Tim to make anything better than where they were at now when. A few moments later his gaze falls onto the little digital clock that rests on the nightstand between their two beds and he realizes it's half past midnight. He realizes that he should probably sleep soon, as should Tim. 

With a sigh, Jay stands up and retrieves his sleeping attire so he can change. By the time Tim comes out of the bathroom he’s dressed down in an oversized white shirt and grey sweatpants, tucking himself into bed. Tim must have gotten the hint because a few minutes later he too is dressed down into the clothing he had that was equivalent to pajamas. He doesn’t lay down right away though. Instead he stands quietly by his own bed with a pensive expression. Jay watches him, head tilted in concern. Tim must have felt his eyes on him because he finally moves and sits on the side of Jay’s bed rather than his own. His hands are in his lap and he’s not looking at Jay but rather at the floor. Jay sits up in response to this. 

“Tim?” Jay asked, unsure of what he was even going to say next. 

“Your nightmares,” Tim began, catching Jay off guard, “They’re really bad. Probably worse than mine. I… I’m not saying you have to let me, but if you want, I’ll sleep with you tonight. Maybe it’ll help. I used to uh… bug Brian when mine got really bad before all of this.” Tim looked sheepish, not once looking at Jay but he seemed more relaxed than earlier. Jay could feel his cheeks burn from the blush that was now blooming across them. Tim literally just offered to sleep next to him to keep his nightmares at bay. This was the most intimate the two of them had ever been with one another. It felt like they’d broken through invisible walls that they’d kept up for so long and Jay felt himself nodding all too eagerly at the suggestion. 

Jay reached out a shaking hand and gently wrapped it around Tim’s wrist. He smiled, just a little and nodded. “Yeah… I’d like that.” Tim smiles back. 


	6. its alright, its okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there we have it folks, a soft little wrap up. Sorry if it was anticlimactic! I hope you enjoyed something soft!

That night, Jay falls asleep with Tim beside him. Its a little bit of a snug fit on the bed because its not queen sized but he’s comfortable enough with Tim’s warmth beside him. He actually sleeps for most of the night for the first time in a long time but it doesn’t mean he sleeps  _ all _ night. In the early hours of the morning he awakes with a cry. He sits up quickly, breaths coming out in rapid succession as he’s on the cusp of hyperventilating. A warm hand on his chest grounds him back to reality suddenly and his gaze quickly shifts to the side. 

Tim is looking up at Jay, eyes still clouded with sleep. His hair is ruffled and he’s blinking to wake himself up. 

“Hey… You alright?” Tim’s voice is hoarse but filled with concern. Jay swallows thickly and takes a deep breath to try and calm himself. 

“Yeah… I think I woke up before it got bad.” Jay looked away, it was still bad but this was the first night he didn’t wake up bawling. He felt Tim shifting beside him and the hand that was still resting on his chest move across his waist. Before Jay could object, Tim had wrapped his arm around him and pulled Jay back down to the bed and flush against him. Tim was effectively holding Jay against him, cuddling him for lack of a better word. Jay’s face flushed a deep red and he stiffened for a moment before relaxing into the embrace, even returning it by wrapping his arms tightly around Tim. 

“You’re okay, m’here.” Tim mumbled, “Don’t have to pretend it didn’t scare you. In it together now, remember?” Jay trembled and nodded against Tim, too choked up to say anything else. He isn’t sure when they fell back asleep, he only knows he didn’t dream anymore. 

The next morning Jay woke up still tangled up with Tim. Tim was still fast asleep when Jay came to and it gave him time to really think while the soft light of the morning sun peeked through the hotel blinds. All this time he’d been so distant with Tim, too scared of losing him again. And yet, here they were wrapped up in each other comfortably. It made Jay regret waiting so long to just  _ talk _ to Tim, to let him know how he felt. Jay sighed and brushed the thoughts away, instead opting for bringing a hand up and running his fingers carefully through Tim’s dark hair. He was rewarded with a pleased sigh. 

Tim began to stir when he felt gentle fingers brush through his hair and bring him back to the world of consciousness. He hummed as it was done again and again and snuggled further into the warmth of the body next to him. When he finally grew lucid enough he remembered it was Jay he’d gone to bed with last night but he couldn’t bring himself to mind. In fact, he found himself smiling as Jay played with his hair. 

“That’s nice…” Tim mumbled into Jay’s chest. Jay’s hand faltered for a moment before continuing. 

“You don’t mind?” He asked, shy and soft. 

“Not at all.” Time answered, “I could get used to it actually.” 

Jay chuckled above him and surprisingly pressed a quick kiss to the top of his head. Now it was Tim’s turn to fluster. He pulled back to look up at Jay who for a brief moment looked terrified until Tim smiled at him. 

“I could get used to that too.”


End file.
